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I decided to hang out at the local USDAA trial this weekend to support my hubby and daughter as well as some of my students.  I am so glad that I did.  I got to see a lot of great runs but most importantly I got a small feel of “getting back into it”.  I have been out since July and starting to look forward to running the USDAA stuff myself.  My goals for coming back are all about running without fear and not worrying about taking chances.  It will be a new mind set for me as I am pretty cautious.  I don’t run cautious I just don’t tend to take chances on skills I know my dogs have done at home but have never proven in competition.  I know I have great dogs… but there are all the cliches’ that I can’t seem to make my “rules to live by”   –  No guts No Glory, You Gotta Risk it to get the biscuit, You gotta be in it to win it.     yeah, there are a lot of them.  But I fear making a fool out of myself.   Yeah, I know, too late.  I still worry though.   However, I keep telling myself this is a good year for me and my dogs and we are going to run it.  I have worked so very hard getting myself back together to get back in the ring, I know I can do it.

Anyway,  on Sunday they had the Master Challenge Jumpers and Katelyn made me go out and walk it since the ring was open forever.  At first I didn’t know what to do with it.  I have been injured since my daughter and I have been bringing in the new training for my facility and have not put it together on a course before.  So I walked dog path, that was easy.  By doing that I knew exactly what flow I need for each jump and what line I needed to set for each sequence.  Handling was a little trickier.  I walked it again and at the end realized I had walked it with all the old stuff, I couldn’t figure out the new stuff   lol.  So I walked it again.  I knew the girl was watching me shaking her head I could feel her burning into the back of my head!!!  lol   Third time is a charm.  Finally figured out the new stuff and it took off from there.  I usually fear these courses but when I figured out the best lines it just kept flowing.   Now I wished I could run it!   It was a really good exercise for me and I am even more energized to move forward so it was all good for me.  When I got back up to the stands I asked Katelyn if I had gotten it right – 0 out of 10 or 10 out of 10.  She said I got a few wrong the first few times I walked it but at the end I got 10 out of 10!   Yeah!!!!

Can’t wait to play in May in Idaho with the boys!!!!   And we found out they are going to have the challenger classes!



Very important to know what sets you off.  Whether it is about being anxious, angry, depressed, happy, whatever the emotion, they all have triggers.  The triggers I am most aware of are the things that make me mad.  I do not come down off mad easily or quickly.  I wish my happy triggers kept me up as long!  :)

Today I had an appointment with the hip doctor.  Trigger?  When I pay $25.00 to see his assistant.  It is not that I don’t like her or that I feel she will give me different information but I want to see the doctor.  Today I saw the assistant.  Trigger?  Repeating myself.  At the door the person leading me to the room asks hows it going, how is the hip.  I am usually very vague because  I know I will have to repeat myself again when the doctor comes in.  Yep.  Within 10 seconds I got to say it again.

While I am here I will just say, hip is okay, it is locking up.  They feel it is scar tissue, they offer a shot, they tell me to take my anti-inflammatory, they want to send me to a different p.t. person (I did not tell them that their p.t. place pissed me off and I don’t want to go with them).  Neither here, nor there.

So off to the grocery store.  Trigger?  The clerk runs my groceries down the conveyor squishing my fruit.  She does this every single time.  This time I told her she should be careful not to squish the fruit.  Oh, did I do that?  I am so sorry.  Would you like to go pick out some different ones?  Oh yes.  I would love to go all the way across the store again, and repick all my selections.  Or, you could just stop squishing my fruit.  I pick choice #2.

Trigger?  Someone standing in front of me and not moving in line.  You see I am coming through, you see I have a cart, you see that you are not actually in the line and yet you just stand there and I have to back up and go around.  Thank you, have a nice day.  Wish I were as special as you.

Yep, I am officially in a bad mood.  I am trying to shake the mood but like I said, I don’t come down quickly.  Talking myself off the ledge is something  I do a lot.  Yes, I am temperamental.  And yes, there are actually lots of things that do not piss me off but stupidity is not one of them.  I could rip my clothing, drop rice all over the floor, dump my purse upside down in the back seat and be late for an appointment.  None of these would piss me off.  However, give me one waste of time thing and we are through.  Be courteous, put your shopping cart away, don’t leave it in front of my car.  Don’t squish my groceries, don’t stand in the isle, don’t walk around like you are the only one in the world, don’t expect everyone else to pick up your slack. Don’t make me do something again that I JUST did, don’t make me repeat myself, don’t ask me questions you care to hear the answer, do not waste my time, this is something you can do all by yourself.  Don’t tell me something that is not true, do what you say you are going to do.  And for Gods sake, do not lie.

🙂  I will write again when the dark cloud above my head has moved over someone else.  Have a wonderful day!  :)   No, really, have a wonderful day, you never know when someone is going to pull the trigger and you will spiral out of control, enjoy your blue skies whenever you can, I know I do.



Feeling pretty darn good today.  :)    Got a good check from the physical therapist.  My change of sleeping positions has helped.  My tailbone was a little off but took no time to put back.  Scar tissue in my leg is improving as well as movement.  I am able to jog three times as long and twice as fast as when I started.   The best news of all however, is that I have met my first weight goal!  My scale actually spoke nice to me this morning which has given me a much needed “boost” to keep going.  It has been a tough week for sure.  Giving up almost all of my comfort foods has really been difficult.  I have gone back to my Chais, but limited and not as a stress reliever.  They sure are good when I get to have them.  :)  I also gave up another dinner time food (bummin) but felt I needed to step up the good eating a little more.  When I look back at the foods that I no longer eat I feel so much better than when I look at bad things I still do.

I was unhappy that I felt I needed to go back to the tea, unhappy that I have had frozen yogurt twice in the past two weeks and unhappy that I still grab the all natural peanut butter when I eat an apple.  However, I still do not eat red meat or pork, exchanged my pork bacon for turkey bacon (over a year ago), changed my bread to a flax seed and rarely eat it.I  Eat a lot of salads, nuts and fresh steamed vegetables.  I also start every day with a glass of water and drink the required water allotment  most every day.  Gave up soda completely. I have no seconds for dinner and prepare less food on my plate that I used to eat.  I recently gave up the dinner muffins (thats hard).   Have not had any cakes, cookies or candy for a month and a half.  The big one is I can now go to the movies without having candy or soda and I don’t feel like I am going to explode. I am okay with water and popcorn.  All of that has been really, really tough and I am sure there are other things I will remember later that have changed so I will forgive myself for my frozen yogurt and peanut butter until I feel that I will have to give that up as well.

Very pleased with my workouts and the strength, stamina and flexibility that I am gaining.  I am looking forward to my workouts now.  I make sure they always vary so I don’t get bored.  I am still a long way from becoming an avid runner/jogger… which is a goal of mine.  I find that mentally I get messed up too easy to do it always, but hope one day to love jogging.  I envy joggers and runners, wish I loved it.  Someone once told me that the first two miles was the hardest..  lol, thats when I knew my road was all uphill and unpaved!!  :)   But, still a goal.  I get closer every day.

The dog training is going well.  I have brilliant dog training moments more often now.  I do feel bad though when I have them because I feel as though I should have had that thought a long time ago.   lol.   I don’t know how Ice’s contact will end up but based on my “no give up” attitude it doesn’t really matter.  I want running on him and know I would never be happy with a stop so if he does not get it this time, it won’t matter.  He is however loving the training and doing well.  I have decided to ditch the thoughts of Epic jumping 24/26 and just going with the 20″ now so that I can move onto sequencing more and worrying less.  Tired of fighting the bars.  He is such a wonderful dog, I would love to put him on a course before he retires  lol.   Sin, is awesome.  He loves doing his work!  He loves his play!  He is an awesome dog.  I am hopeful when I hear “you get the dog you need at the time” – because I needed him to be as wonderful as he is at this point in my life.  :)  I promise, video of him soon.

I did run into some “tests” this week.  I try changing my attitude and evolving into the person I know I can be.  Sometimes you get tested on how strong those changes are.  I did pass, but I will admit I ranted and raved for a while!  I guess you can say “kickin and screamin ”   lol.  But I did get through it without turning to the binge eating.  My son has a draw FULL of candy in the kitchen.  I know it is there, I am the one who stocks it, but I never touch it.  Or the girls chips or the husbands swiss cakes.  So I guess I am truly getting these changes, although not easy ones.  :)

Anyway, till next time.  :)   Keep on keeping on.  🙂


You never know what you can do until you try.  You never know how strong you are until you are tested.   Ain’t that the truth.  I have been without cookies, candy or cakes for over a month now.  Two weeks ago I gave up my Chai.  The candy thing was a breeze compared to the Chai which through me into withdraws.  Not a caffeine withdraw like many would think, but just the “I need a Chai” withdraw.  I use Chai as my comfort food.  Since I wasn’t eating much in the way of candies and cakes (even through Christmas) that was really easy.  But for me I had a Chai anytime the day was bad, or the day was good or the day was a tired one,  happy, sad, tired, just because… it was my everything.  Like the lights in my kitchen and the Christmas lights I refuse to take off the house, it made me feel good.  The smell of cinnamon always made me smile.  So, anyway. yes, giving up the Chai KILLED me.

On Thursday the day just started crappy.  I was grouchy because I made the mistake of getting on the scale feeling pretty good about what I thought it would say and the damn thing swore at me!  It called me fat and added two pounds to what I thought it was going to say!   I was horrified.  I have been watching everything that went into my mouth for months, I had given up Chai and coffee for almost two weeks, I had given up sweet goodies for over a month AND I had been working out for the past month!!!!  How dare it call me fat to my face like that.   So, I got dressed, got in the car and drove straight to Starbucks where I ordered a Venti Chai tea and I drank it slowly and with great satisfaction!

Now what happens????  Well, you are off the wagon right?  I wanted to eat candy bars, and sugar cookies and rasberry frosted cake and drink soda.  You get the picture.  That night husband and I went to dinner.  We had a gift card.  We started off being asked if we would like a drink.  In my head I said “Oh yes!” A frozen margarita no, no… a Pina Colada  ..”.   And out of my mouth comes “Yes, a water with lemon please”.   OMG!!!!  Are you kidding me??  That is all you have had for the past month!!!!  Really????  Thats okay, I knew they would serve warm bread and a bloomin onion, I would recover there.  Except NO.  I had one small piece of bread and little of the bloomin onion topping that off with a “Salmon and steamed fresh vegetables please”.   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You are now killing me!  This was your chance!  You had been so good and it didn’t pay off so splurge!!!  Stuff your face!!!   No, no I didn’t.

Thats okay.  Next the movies!!!!  I asked husband to go to the candy place first where I picked up a package of red licorice.  :)  Oh yeah!!!  I can do this!!!!   So excited.  A large soda, and a package of red licorice to top the night.  Make the movie complete.   We get in line for the drink and hubby’s popcorn and what happens????  Yes, you got it “nothing for me, thank you”.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I now know I am a victim of the body snatchers.  Someone has stolen my brain and is now abusing me!   It is like the movie Host.  I am trapped inside.  We get seated – I have more water.  (yuck) but oh wait!  I remember the licorice!!!!  Yes!

Long of it is I walk out of that theater without so much as taking the licorice out of my purse.  :(   I brought it home and set it on the counter quite disgusted.  The boy comes in, hears the story of the licorice that did not get eaten, opens it up and eats a piece, right in front of me.  I immediately told him to remove it to his room, which he happily did and I never saw it again.

The next morning I got out of bed and went upstairs and worked out.  😦  Damn it.  the fact that I am doing things that I do not want to do and not doing things that I really want to do it just a lot to take in.  I knew that this time, I really, really wanted these changes.  It looks like my brain has listened and is helping to guide me.  Today I stepped back on the scale.  It was nice to me.  It apologized for what it had said to me the couple days earlier.  And I forgave it.  But I told it I would not visit again until next week…. I do not want to take any chances on another “spin out of control” day.  🙂

Here is to all of you that have hung in there “one more time”.  Even though you have done this a million times before, and it has always ended the same… It only takes once for it to work.🙂  this is my time, how about you?


I have run across a bit of a quandary for myself I think.  My husband, daughter and I have put together a class just for us where we can work through courses, sequences and problems with our own dogs.  It is our private support group in ways to assure we are getting all the work on our own dogs that we need to keep up with everything that is out there.  We made a promise to each other to only support and not criticize and to only help not hinder.  Each week we bring something new to the class by way of challenges, or questions or something we want to try.

Last night we each worked on our own personal training issues.  Mine was the dogwalk with Ice.  I have been working this problem for almost 7 years now.  It is the only thing keeping Ice and I from agility greatness but it is all three contacts and sometimes the table.  I bring this up because last night  my daughter was helping me work out the dogwalk and I hit a wall.  I realized that I no longer carried the “hope” that I needed to work through the problem.  I no longer feel that I can fix it and further feel an unwillingness to give it any more time.  The plan was to retrain his contacts while I was recoupping so that we would be good to go when I came back.  This however, has not happened.  Not due to not trying, but due to a continuation of my failure to find the answer.  One answer keeps hitting me in the face – teach a stop.  But I just am unwilling to give up.  I need to give up on the idea of running it to get a solid answer.  I cant bring myself to do it.  I am so sad by this.

I now look at Sin and his running contacts and I see that my heart is not holding out hope there either.  If you do not believe in your training it will not work.  But what if you have believed in your training for so very long but at every  turn you do not know if you are on the right track or not. It is never easy to figure out how long you stick with a method before you realize it is not working and try another.  I have tried so many and stuck with them for what I felt was a longer enough time to see progress.  Now I no longer know.

My daughter feels that I need to push forward or change my direction.  She is right.  I know she is right.  I further know that I cannot get it done if I do not hold the hope of accomplishing it.  I just feel that I have been through every training thought, idea and attempt and no longer hold any feeling that I can actually get it done.  I have not yet been able to accept the Ice and I will never complete our agility climb, that is why I keep trying.  It will be a shame to never see it play out.  To never reach the top of the mountain would be a sad realization but he will be 8 when I return to agility and I just don’t know how much more we have left.

I have to go both feet in or both feet out with all my dogs, but sometimes the heart just doens’t feel strong enough to go on with it.  I will have to do some soul searching on this one .   As far as I have come with all my new enlightenment, I still have so far to go.



I have always been someone that puts off the “great” stuff until last.  I believe that I was trying to savor it.  If I forced myself to eat chicken salad I would pile all the chicken in the corner and eat it last, I hate lettuce – boring.  If I had a meal that had fresh bread with it, I would save the bread till last (best part).  Christmas presents and birthday gifts needed to be opened slowly and of course last from everyone else (stockings too).  Good dishes?  Nice fancy clothes?  You get the picture.  I didn’t want to prolong the joys of these things, I wanted to prolong the joy lasting.  The earlier you do it the faster it fades.

I have a friend who has been trying to get me to go to Hawaii for years.  Hawaii!  Who doesn’t want to go there?  But the expense, the time…  yada yada yada.  Always put it off, waiting for the perfect moment.  The perfect time to get away.  But lately, I have been second guessing this prolonging thing, because waiting for the perfect time often meant it didn’t happen at all.  Seize the moment started making more sense.  I will never tell my friend that he had such an impact on my life (it would just make him hard to live with), but he has.  Not only did I decide now is the time and made my husband take me to Hawaii, but I also booked a 7-day cruise leaving out of Florida for our anniversary and told my friend that if he let us, we would love to return to Hawaii next year.

Crazy?  Yes, definitely crazy and fun and needed.  You just can’t stand by and wait for all the BIG things to happen.  Sometimes, you need to make the big things happen!!!  I know, I know, there are financial burdens, time burdens, job burdens.  Yes, and I am not saying you have to do big trips all over.  I am learning that it is okay to pull out the fancy china for a Wednesday dinner.  It is okay to wear the fancy scarf to go shopping and you don’t have to wait until after dinner to have dessert.  It is January 5 and I take giddy pleasure in turning on my outdoor Christmas lights.  Maybe I will be that neighbor that never takes down their lights.  When I was putting away all the Christmas decorations I mentioned to my husband that it was sad to take down the blue lights from the bar… he said “then don’t take them down”. hmm.. there’s a thought.  So, I didn’t!!!  :)  And I love having my fire  downstairs, even when it is not so cold.  These are things that make me happy.  Why not do them?  Why wait for the special occasion?  I love the nights where the whole family has frozen yogurt for dinner.  Why not?  :)   These are the days I want more of… the days I am having now.  They won’t always be fancy trips or vacations, maybe they will just be spending the morning brushing my horses or watching the snow fall from the dining room window… but they are my days and I am going to spend them doing what makes me happy instead of adding those things to  a list of what I will do one day when I have more time.  You can make time for those things that mean the most to you.  I am.  I will.   I am that important to me.  And I will have no regrets in the end, only great memories and being happy that I did it.  :)


There is a reason why they tell you that it is a bad idea to hang around people that are doing what you are trying to quit.  Like AA.  They don’t recommend that you be friends with those that are drinking.  If you are trying to give up smoking don’t hang around those that you used to smoke with.

It is really hard to fight your own demons without the pressure of trying to fight someone else s also.   I know what my problems are and what I need to stay healthy.  I also know what I cannot do or those I cannot be around.  They say that your mind will always try to make bring you back to what you believe yourself to be.  Statements like “I never win”, “I have nothing but bad luck”, “I am a loser … a smoker… an alcoholic…. a fat person”…. insert what you feel, but all these statements define who you want to be according to your mind.  In order to break out of that you have to tell yourself things as though you have already changed.  Its tough.  Its not like your mind can’t figure out the lies right?   But it is true.  You cannot feed yourself negativity until you start to feel better.  lol    What you do have to do is feel better so you can feed yourself things that you will accept as the truth.  Oh, now this just sounds like crazy talk to me.

The truth is you really do have to feed yourself the things that you need your mind to believe.  You have to believe that you are “good”, “lucky” “smart”…  you have to self talk your way into making you believe yourself.  :)   And don’t say this out loud because I am sure you would be put away.   You have to make yourself listen to you.  I read once that you need to talk to yourself like you would talk to a good friend with the same problems that you have.  Ha!   As true as I know that statement is, that is one big order!  I am more mean to me than I would EVER be to a friend… and if you cannot be your own friend????  Yeah, that would be me.  Not a friend of mine – I have already removed me from my friend list on Facebook. lol   We do need to be better friends for ourselves, be more involved in how we treat ourselves.  Im working on it.  Fighting one demon at a time and trying to become the friend to myself that I am to others.  

Give yourself a break today!   And tomorrow, try to be a better friend.    :)


I had my third hip check up (3 month post-up) and I actually got to see the doctor!!!  Wow!!!  It was nice for a change.  The next good news was that he has given me the green light for activity, including my agility!!  I thought it was going to be another month until I had that light so I am thrilled!!!  He said there are no restrictions other than “common sense”.  He said that the pain I am having is probably scar tissue build up and so I have to make sure that I am really stretching it.

I am super jazzed about the release but also scared.  I thought that I would just get back into my agility with restrictions of movement from me but this weekend I have realized that it is actually going to take a lot more to work through all the stuff I need.  I have started easing into jogging and stretching but realize that I cannot get right into my agility the way I had hoped.  I am not in any kind of shape to keep up with my dogs on the courses I was eyeing.  lol.  So I have my dogs to keep in shape, myself to get into shape and the then put it all together.  I am feeling as though this may take longer to do than the four months I have given myself.  :(   Not so happy with that, but based on all the things I am working on, it will take what it take.

The dogs are doing well with my limited running but it will take a lot more to get them running easily with me.  At every turn I see how much more training I have to do.  Sometimes it feels like we will never get to the line (again) and then sometimes I just say thats okay.   One training day at a time, or so I try to tell myself and keep focus on me.

That is the hardest part, to keep it all on “me” and not on the expectations of those around me.  Or rely on someone elses feedback and take a lack of feedback to make me feel happy or sad.  It has to be from me, hard concept to grasp and keep with me.  There is so much changing right now, it takes everything I have to stay focused on what I know I need to do.  But it is new to me, I will get there… I just keep reminding myself, stay with what is important, let the rest go!.  🙂


Til l next time!!!!!




Every school day my son and I enjoy a “brief” conversation on the way home from school.  It is only a 10 minute ride, so it truly is brief.  Occasionally we take a ride to the store to grab a few things and swing by the Starbucks for a treat, that gives us about 20 minutes of conversation.  The ride from the school to the house always starts with “how was your day?” Good he says.  Then he asks about my day.  “How was your day?”  And I respond.  He is truly interested in what I say about my day.  He usually asks about the rest of the family and what they did.  It is hard for him sometimes I suppose because for the past 4 years he has been online schooled.  He always knew what the family was up to.  We had lunch together every day, we had our jokes and bad humor.  Now that he is in a bricks and mortar school he is a little out of the loop.


Mostly my son keeps to himself except for this school trip.  Not big on conversation.   My  husband and daughter have asked if I would like for them to pick the boy up from school and I always reply “no, it is the only time we talk”.  :)   Very true statement.  Well, except for our dinner time banter which we share nightly as well.  My son is very intelligent, he has never been a normal “kid”.  And by that I mean, he has never been a normal kid since about the age of 10. He does not think of himself as a kid, neither of my kids feel that way.  They usually say “I don’t like kids”, to which I say “they are the same age as you”.  They respond with “yeah, I don’t like kids”.


Yesterday was particularly interested for me as our longer car ride brought on a better conversation.  It went like this:

Son: “I don’t like my generation”

Me: “Me either.   Why don’t you like them?”

Son: ” Some of the things they talk about”

Me:  “What was that?”

Son: “They were talking about partying, drinking, drugs, sex and naval piercings”.  “Things 15 and 16 year olds should not be talking about”.

Me: “Where?”

Son: “During class”

Me: “Wow, shouldn’t they be working on school work in class?”

Son: “Yes, but they talk all during class.  This is probably why their grades are what they are.  I have seen how they score on their tests. They should not even know about this stuff”.

I could only agree.  Now most of you know me.  You know my sense of humor.  Both my kids were raised by me and hubby and I believe they are both warped.  However, both of my children have apparently gotten the best points of what is most important. I was very proud of my son at that very moment.  As I am very proud of my daughter and how she is turning out.

Some people think that you can only be a good person and raise good kids if you follow strict guidelines.  If you attend church, fear God, don’t swear, don’t drink, keep your children away from rated R movies.  I have not only broken every one of those rules but I have shattered the pieces.  Not on purpose, just following ME.  Doing what I felt was right.  My children joke “can’t watch rated R movies?  We were raised on Die Hard!”.  My son says Teletubies and Die Hard… my daughter, Barney and Die Hard.  lol

I am not always proud of the things that I do.  I have a foul mouth when I am riled about things (politics, dog breeding, pet re-homing), I am not always proud of what comes out of my mouth.  But I have always been proud of what sits in my heart.  I am very proud of what my children have learned from me, (short of the swearing).  But I will say, my kids don’t drink, they don’t smoke, they don’t do drugs, they don’t swear, they have a very strong sense of right and wrong and they have a pretty good sense of self. Id say that they are turning out alright.  All of the worry, and fear and tears at night not knowing what to do.  Somehow, we figure it out and are doing alright.  :)

So warped kids and spoiled dogs seem to be okay after all.  I think I will continue to follow my heart and raise my kids with a strong sense of self and a warped sense of humor.  Just like mom and dad!  We are doing alright!




IMG_6662 IMG_6599

Apollo came to me with the name Oliver.  Because of the crescent moon he got a new name.

IMG_6597  Apollo with Prize – The leader of my horse

pack and the only horse he respected.


It’s been a rough week.  As many of you already know, I lost one of my babies this week.  I have been rather lost trying to make the best of it.  I really was unable to be around anyone for fear they would bring it up or tell me how sorry they felt too.  I just could not face it.  My wonderful little Apollo was 13 years old.  I had him since he was a baby.  He has always been the “brat” but he was my baby.  Before I got him someone had kicked him in the head making one of his eyes slowly lose sight ability.   He was supposed to have grown to be about 16 hands but I don’t think he was even 15.  He was always scrawny and bony and he had a heart murmur all his life.  Twice a year he would lose weight to the point it looked like I starved him but would always gain it back to his usual bony self.


He was pushy and bad.  He sent me to the e.r. for a kick to the head but for whatever reason we grow to love, I still loved him.  He bossed the other horses and pulled rank everyday (but lost)-  He was part of my horse family and I miss him.


Sunday he started to look strange to me.  He was very thin but since I had not really seen him much because they are on pasture and I was on sick leave, I didn’t know what to think of it.   He was acting a little weak and not wanting to really eat.  Monday morning he was not with the other horses.  I found him out standing in the pasture with his back to me.  He acted out of it.  When he saw me he walked away and headed into the paddock.  He seemed surprised that the other horses were there.  I locked him in so I could watch him.  He was pacing the fence like crazy.  Didn’t want to eat longer than five minutes.  I headed to the vet.

IMG_1174Apollo and Thunder

The vet said he was very thin, weak, dehydrated, gums looks bad.  He thought a bunch of things that I didn’t believe (vets tend to go crazy with diagnosis at first).  blood tests showed Liver disease.  Greg and I drove him out to the University two and a half hours out.  I prayed he would make it to them.  He did.   They too were stumped.  Ill shaped liver, ill shaped kidneys, no clue.  Cancer?  Rabies? Because they thought rabies I was not allowed to be with him.  I cannot tell you how much that pisses me off. Ran some tests.  Pollo’s started to really not want to be messed with they told me.    They concluded that he was starting to be dangerous ( I feel because he wanted them to stop screwing with him) and they said he had blood coming from his stomach now.  They recommended I put him down.

They brought him out to say goodbye.  Broke my heart to not be with him, broke my heart to have to make a choice for him.  I can’t explain all the feelings that I was having.  I was unable to talk about it…  we drove home in silence, I just could not talk.  This is the first time I am even able to write about it.  The vets called yesterday.  They confirmed it was not rabies .  Still had no conclusions for me.  Liver was very small.  They said I did the right thing, there was nothing they could have done for him.  Somehow, I do not feel better.

I love my animals the best I can, I care for them the best I can, in the end it always feels like it was not enough.  I know we can not love without ever feeling loss but looking at my family now with three of my dogs and my last remaining goat over 12 years old, two cats at 13, one horse at twenty, one horse at 25, I have to ask myself if I can do this anymore.  Do I have the strength to make it through the hardest part of loving.    I do know that this has changed my life somehow, still figuring out where I am. Still making sense of the loss.

To you my loving Apollo, I am glad I got to share a part of life with you.