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Feeling A Little Better….

IMG_6662 IMG_6599

Apollo came to me with the name Oliver.  Because of the crescent moon he got a new name.

IMG_6597  Apollo with Prize – The leader of my horse

pack and the only horse he respected.


It’s been a rough week.  As many of you already know, I lost one of my babies this week.  I have been rather lost trying to make the best of it.  I really was unable to be around anyone for fear they would bring it up or tell me how sorry they felt too.  I just could not face it.  My wonderful little Apollo was 13 years old.  I had him since he was a baby.  He has always been the “brat” but he was my baby.  Before I got him someone had kicked him in the head making one of his eyes slowly lose sight ability.   He was supposed to have grown to be about 16 hands but I don’t think he was even 15.  He was always scrawny and bony and he had a heart murmur all his life.  Twice a year he would lose weight to the point it looked like I starved him but would always gain it back to his usual bony self.


He was pushy and bad.  He sent me to the e.r. for a kick to the head but for whatever reason we grow to love, I still loved him.  He bossed the other horses and pulled rank everyday (but lost)-  He was part of my horse family and I miss him.


Sunday he started to look strange to me.  He was very thin but since I had not really seen him much because they are on pasture and I was on sick leave, I didn’t know what to think of it.   He was acting a little weak and not wanting to really eat.  Monday morning he was not with the other horses.  I found him out standing in the pasture with his back to me.  He acted out of it.  When he saw me he walked away and headed into the paddock.  He seemed surprised that the other horses were there.  I locked him in so I could watch him.  He was pacing the fence like crazy.  Didn’t want to eat longer than five minutes.  I headed to the vet.

IMG_1174Apollo and Thunder

The vet said he was very thin, weak, dehydrated, gums looks bad.  He thought a bunch of things that I didn’t believe (vets tend to go crazy with diagnosis at first).  blood tests showed Liver disease.  Greg and I drove him out to the University two and a half hours out.  I prayed he would make it to them.  He did.   They too were stumped.  Ill shaped liver, ill shaped kidneys, no clue.  Cancer?  Rabies? Because they thought rabies I was not allowed to be with him.  I cannot tell you how much that pisses me off. Ran some tests.  Pollo’s started to really not want to be messed with they told me.    They concluded that he was starting to be dangerous ( I feel because he wanted them to stop screwing with him) and they said he had blood coming from his stomach now.  They recommended I put him down.

They brought him out to say goodbye.  Broke my heart to not be with him, broke my heart to have to make a choice for him.  I can’t explain all the feelings that I was having.  I was unable to talk about it…  we drove home in silence, I just could not talk.  This is the first time I am even able to write about it.  The vets called yesterday.  They confirmed it was not rabies .  Still had no conclusions for me.  Liver was very small.  They said I did the right thing, there was nothing they could have done for him.  Somehow, I do not feel better.

I love my animals the best I can, I care for them the best I can, in the end it always feels like it was not enough.  I know we can not love without ever feeling loss but looking at my family now with three of my dogs and my last remaining goat over 12 years old, two cats at 13, one horse at twenty, one horse at 25, I have to ask myself if I can do this anymore.  Do I have the strength to make it through the hardest part of loving.    I do know that this has changed my life somehow, still figuring out where I am. Still making sense of the loss.

To you my loving Apollo, I am glad I got to share a part of life with you.



4 Responses to “Feeling A Little Better….”

  1. There is no one on the face of this earth that could have or would have given him the love and life that you gave him! Your love for your babies is so high that only a supreme being could do more.

  2. Even after two surgeries, more than $5,000 spent, round the clock care, washing and cleaning him constantly after the uretha reroute, the meds, driving an hour each way to the Equine hospital in Gainesville several times, I still don’t think I did enough to save Hopscotch. But you kow what? I did everything I could and could not save him from the cancer. Sometimes God just makes those choices for us. He was 18 and still had many many years ahead of him. But nothing I did saved him. I too have two dogs that are 13 and showing all the signs of aging and that scares the hell out of me. I too think I just can’t do this anymore, it hurts too much to lose them. They are like our children, especially when all my human children have grown up and left the house. It’s never easy and we hurt, but we go on because there are others who depend on us and need us. I so feel your pain and understand so much of how you feel right now. My heart goes out to you and I hope your other furbabies can comfort you. God Bless.

    • 🙂 Yes, we keep going on for all that are left that still need us. It is not
      easy, and there is not way to make it so unless you decide to have no more in your
      life. So here we are, crying and hurting and hoping to feel better soon. With
      time the pain fades enough for us to try again. We are lucky that way. It helps
      us go on.

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