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Will-power?

You never know what you can do until you try.  You never know how strong you are until you are tested.   Ain’t that the truth.  I have been without cookies, candy or cakes for over a month now.  Two weeks ago I gave up my Chai.  The candy thing was a breeze compared to the Chai which through me into withdraws.  Not a caffeine withdraw like many would think, but just the “I need a Chai” withdraw.  I use Chai as my comfort food.  Since I wasn’t eating much in the way of candies and cakes (even through Christmas) that was really easy.  But for me I had a Chai anytime the day was bad, or the day was good or the day was a tired one,  happy, sad, tired, just because… it was my everything.  Like the lights in my kitchen and the Christmas lights I refuse to take off the house, it made me feel good.  The smell of cinnamon always made me smile.  So, anyway. yes, giving up the Chai KILLED me.

On Thursday the day just started crappy.  I was grouchy because I made the mistake of getting on the scale feeling pretty good about what I thought it would say and the damn thing swore at me!  It called me fat and added two pounds to what I thought it was going to say!   I was horrified.  I have been watching everything that went into my mouth for months, I had given up Chai and coffee for almost two weeks, I had given up sweet goodies for over a month AND I had been working out for the past month!!!!  How dare it call me fat to my face like that.   So, I got dressed, got in the car and drove straight to Starbucks where I ordered a Venti Chai tea and I drank it slowly and with great satisfaction!

Now what happens????  Well, you are off the wagon right?  I wanted to eat candy bars, and sugar cookies and rasberry frosted cake and drink soda.  You get the picture.  That night husband and I went to dinner.  We had a gift card.  We started off being asked if we would like a drink.  In my head I said “Oh yes!” A frozen margarita no, no… a Pina Colada  ..”.   And out of my mouth comes “Yes, a water with lemon please”.   OMG!!!!  Are you kidding me??  That is all you have had for the past month!!!!  Really????  Thats okay, I knew they would serve warm bread and a bloomin onion, I would recover there.  Except NO.  I had one small piece of bread and little of the bloomin onion topping that off with a “Salmon and steamed fresh vegetables please”.   !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You are now killing me!  This was your chance!  You had been so good and it didn’t pay off so splurge!!!  Stuff your face!!!   No, no I didn’t.

Thats okay.  Next the movies!!!!  I asked husband to go to the candy place first where I picked up a package of red licorice.  🙂  Oh yeah!!!  I can do this!!!!   So excited.  A large soda, and a package of red licorice to top the night.  Make the movie complete.   We get in line for the drink and hubby’s popcorn and what happens????  Yes, you got it “nothing for me, thank you”.  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I now know I am a victim of the body snatchers.  Someone has stolen my brain and is now abusing me!   It is like the movie Host.  I am trapped inside.  We get seated – I have more water.  (yuck) but oh wait!  I remember the licorice!!!!  Yes!

Long of it is I walk out of that theater without so much as taking the licorice out of my purse.  😦   I brought it home and set it on the counter quite disgusted.  The boy comes in, hears the story of the licorice that did not get eaten, opens it up and eats a piece, right in front of me.  I immediately told him to remove it to his room, which he happily did and I never saw it again.

The next morning I got out of bed and went upstairs and worked out.   😦  Damn it.  the fact that I am doing things that I do not want to do and not doing things that I really want to do it just a lot to take in.  I knew that this time, I really, really wanted these changes.  It looks like my brain has listened and is helping to guide me.  Today I stepped back on the scale.  It was nice to me.  It apologized for what it had said to me the couple days earlier.  And I forgave it.  But I told it I would not visit again until next week…. I do not want to take any chances on another “spin out of control” day.   🙂

Here is to all of you that have hung in there “one more time”.  Even though you have done this a million times before, and it has always ended the same… It only takes once for it to work. 🙂  this is my time, how about you?

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